Sunday, November 20, 2011

the belle of the ball

My eyes snapped open...
Lilirosie grumbled softly...
She was pressed contentedly against me
and I was disturbing her
as I twisted around to look at the clock...
2 o'clock in the morning...
I had turned my beside light off
barely an hour ago...

Something had startled me awake...
I'm not the soundest
or the deepest sleeper
but this seemed to be a new record...

I struggled to adjust the comforter...
it felt heavy and weighted down...
I was trapped!
I peered into the darkness...

Pinned beneath the comforter
it was impossible to reach over
and turn on my lamp...
My eyes were slowly beginning
to adapt to the blackness
that seemed to be swirling around me...
Maybe I was dreaming...

Again I tried to wriggle free
of my comforter...
Failure...
Do I scream
and wake up David?

Then, like crystal,
everything became clear...

There they all sat...
the nerve...
at the foot of my bed...
The jester, the night crawler,
long and lean and that one with the short stubby fingers...

And they were arguing...

The jester had popped in
to pull my legs
around the bed...
only to be met by long and lean
who was waiting
to dance me through the hours until dawn
with a spectacular headache...

The night crawler, as always, was in hot pursuit
of the jester...
These other offers paled, he said...
when he wanted to show me
the mysteries and the magic of each hour
before the sun rose...

The one with those short stubby fingers could not really compete...
All he wanted to do
was poke me in the eye...
His headache wasn't as elegant
as long and leans...
and his tricks did not have that sophistication
of the jesters...
He was just an ordinary pesty kind of guy...

There they all sat...
at the foot of my bed...
It was 2 o'clock in the morning...
I should have felt like the belle of the ball...

The only guy I wanted to see
was Mr. Sandman...

Thursday, October 13, 2011

if you're going to be buzzing...

When I woke up Monday morning
that long lean headache was lounging
at the foot of the bed...
daring me to get up
and start dancing...

Hadn't he had enough...
pulling me around the floor
til almost dawn...

Now another day would begin with extra meds...
Thanks for the dance, long and lean...

Sometimes my medication makes me very quiet...
Sometimes my medication makes me speak very very very fast...
in long loopy run on sentences...
the kind they warn you about in school...
the kind that no one can follow...

Sometimes MS makes my cognitive skills scramble...
And yes, getting older does it too!
but it's not quite the same...
and I can't exactly explain it...

The headaches and the migraine medication also
have a strange effect on my cognitive skills...
and it varies from headache to headache...

I've talked about my other skeleton...
those icy bones that seem to float away from my body...
after taking a migraine pill...

Often the same thing will happen
to my thoughts and words...
I'm trying to use them,
to speak them or write them...
and there they go...
floating off like bubbles
evaporating like mist...

Desperately, sometimes tearfully,
I try to catch them...
grab them, hold on as tightly as I can...
but it's an impossible task...
Either the headache
or the medication always wins...

As my day went by on Monday
I remembered that I had finally
written this blog the night before...

It had been looming there...
making me sad and wistful...
wishing for the simple joy
I get from putting words together,
for too long...

But I had done it...

I went to the computer to read it...
Trying not to be the critical writer
I decided to feel satisfied instead...

It's Thursday now...
I've had more headaches...
I've needed to take more meds...

And then there's all the usual MS stuff...
especially all that buzzing and humming
my body does to keep me entertained
and on my toes...

I do not take this lightly
but after all these years 
of buzzing and humming along everyday
you need a sense of humour
so for me it's playing with the words
I use to describe it...

So, it's Thursday...
and I realized when I woke up this morning
that I had been buzzing a bit more this week...

Not buzzing as usual...
but I have this buzz...

It came from
that simple joy and pleasure
I got Sunday night
when I grabbed a few words out of the air
as they floated by
and made them my own
in my own little space...
and actually pushed the publish post button
by choice...

You will just have to wait awhile for that dance,
long and lean...
I'm busy buzzing...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

the dance card

Since I was a little girl
who began wearing glasses
somewhere around age 7...
I have been a headache person...

When I was 17
and studying for a final exam
about the Russian novel, Dr Zhivago,
I was suddenly thrown into my very own
Russian Novel...

For three long intense days
I suffered with the migraine
of my life...

Until...

The friendly neighborhood doctor
around the corner suggested...
that it might be my appendix...

I have no recollection
of how that actually happened...
All I remember is that my head was ready to blast open...
and I had missed my Dr Zhivago final...

But I ended up with an an appendix
ready to burst...
and eventually, after surgery,
my headache was gone...

For the last three months or so
I have been living in a headache cycle...

From morning to afternoon
and on into the evening
I am waltzing in and out of the arms
of a variety of headaches,
some quite large...
and others, small but still annoying...

I can't recall my dance card
ever being so full...
though I know that it has...

I wish they would all disappear...
these disagreeable partners
that want to dance
and fill my head with frivolity
when all I want to do is get on with my day...

I find the long lean ones particularly displeasing...
they make it a habit to linger through the evening
and then there they are...
Waiting...the minute I open my eyes...
ready to start dancing again...

I don't like the ones with those short stubby fingers either...
they poke me right behind the eye
and they keep poking
until they have my undivided attention...
What kind of way is that to woo a girl
into dancing...

Eventually, this music will end...
and I will tear up this dance card...
I'm depending on it...

And I have an appointment
at my neurologist the end of the month...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

What If...

As I have said before...
this is a personal blog...
and I try to avoid politics...

However, today I would like
to make a small exception...

I am a sixties girl
from the top of my redhead
to the tip of my buzzing toes...

I still have my
"War is unhealthy
for children
 and other living things"
medallion...

As far as I know,
they are not making the bumper stickers
any longer...
or there would be one on my car...
like the one I had on my little green bug
with the pink flower decals...
that I drove so long ago...

So today,
with everyone in a mood
of quiet contemplation...
This is what I would like to suggest
for your consideration...

Just suppose, one day,
they gave a war...
and nobody came...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

the jester and the night crawler 2

OK...I did it again...
my hand slipped
and I pushed publish blog
instead of save
as I was typing...

I refuse to get upset!!!
Everything matters, nothing matters very much...

So I will continue now with my story...

The jester does not like it when I scoff at him...
He wants to be taken seriously...
So he grabs one leg and then the other
and flips each one in turn
like he's throwing fish...
around the bed...

He's in control...
My legs are bouncing everywhere...
There is no place to just curl up
and fall asleep...

I'm buzzing and humming
humming and buzzing
but the familiarity of it all
is lulling me into a kind of surrealistic doze...

That's when the night crawler
slick operator that he is
makes his move...

The night crawler has taken a vow...
He wants to show me
the nooks, the crannies,
the edges and the minutes
of each and every hour
of the night...

If I happen to close my eyes
and catch a wink or two of sleep
during the tour...
He sends the joker in to flip a leg
or twist my fingers into little knots...

Though jasmine scented
the summer nights here in LA
seem to be growing warmer
and more humid daily...

September is a few days away
without a hint of autumn or a breeze
in the distance...

I'm longing for lovely cool breeze...
The kind that blows gentleman callers away...




Sunday, August 7, 2011

a tad weepy...

Last Thursday,
one of my little MS nightmares came true...
and I've been a tad weepy
ever since...

I was backing down our driveway
when my right leg cramped!
My foot was on the brake
the way it always is
as I'm backing down...

Our driveway is a bit steep
but I'm quite accustomed to backing out...
I've been doing it for almost ten years now...

So there I was...
in reverse, picking up speed,
foot clamped tightly to the brake
but buzzing madly now...
and my leg cramping
as if someone had rammed a screwdriver
through it...

I reached the bottom
my foot still pressed desperately
into the brake pedal
hitting the retaining wall to my right,
cracking the bumper of the car...

My leg relaxed then...
as suddenly as it had cramped...

I am so careful not to drive
if I have even the slightest inkling
that maybe I shouldn't...

If I've taken headache meds
for several days in a row
I don't drive...

My leg or my foot
cramping while driving
is something that I've worried
myself amply crazy over...

And now it's happened...
I'm a tad weepy...
but not sure why...

I'd like to forget about it...
but I won't...
not my nature...

So, as my friend Annisa says,
it's a sweet warning...

And I can remind myself,
Everything matters, nothing matters very much...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

MS...as usual...

This won't be the longest blog I ever wrote...
it's one of those blogs
when I just need to write something
so that I feel that I'm productive...
acting positively...
and not giving in...

My legs feel like flaming red hot torches...
Everyday my head seems to pound
a new beat...
Just when I catch on to the tune
it switches slightly...
Confounding me yet again...
How will I learn it this time?

My fingers twitch...
they tingle...
they jump...
they burn, they snap, they pop...
I drop things...
Then suddenly,
it feels like I don't have any fingers...

Nights are like long narrow tunnels...
I twist and turn
then twist again...
wishing I could stash my limbs
into a magic box...
and retrieve them
in the morning...

I feel a bit like I'm lost...
My world has become so small...
When I feel this way
I live like a recluse
or a hermit...
it's lonely...
but who wants to hear someone complain...

I'm tired of the dialogue
inside my head...

The summer landscape stretches
wide and endless in front of me...
The barometric pressure bounces daily...
Time is not a luxury when it's all you've got...

But Friday afternoon Ethan will burst through the door
after science camp laughing and shouting
"Gramma..."
He's having dinner with us
and spending the night...

That magic box will suddenly appear...
for those few precious hours...
my MS will slip neatly inside
closing the lid...

And Ethan and I can play,
we can read or swim
or do anything at all
that strikes our fancy...