Monday, July 26, 2010

Pushing Buttons

This summer my perceptions about living with a disability have shifted yet again. This world that I thought I knew so intimately has turned upside down. All of my tender buttons have been pushed…


My beautiful, amazing thirty four year old daughter was just diagnosed with systemic lupus. So now, as her mom, I feel very small and quite powerless.

The relationship I have with my daughter has always been grounded by unwavering love. Comparing the symptoms of our autoimmune disabilities is not what I imagined when I held my precocious baby girl in my arms so long ago.

We have begun to discuss the FEARS of not knowing what lies ahead; the HORRORS of trying to adjust to medicine; and that now, after almost ONE YEAR of waiting for a PROPER DIAGNOSIS, having one is actually a RELIEF…

As we talk, the lines between us become blurred...

This emotion doesn't feel very motherly to me. I try not to feel guilty about genetics and DNA and whatever part that may have played, but feeling guilty does feel motherly to me

I was always like the mother bird that pushed her baby birds out of the nest so that they would learn to fly. In my heart, I know that my daughter can and will continue to fly high. I just have to remember that before anything else, I am her mom and must let her…

-mara

No comments:

Post a Comment