Monday, September 6, 2010

the dreamer

I wanted to live my life as I dreamed it...
the words were magical, ethereal...brilliant...

I lost myself in stories
 believing if I was a good girl
dreams do come true...

I drank my milk
I actually liked green vegetables
and I tried really really hard
never to call someone a bad name
or reveal a secret I was told

I had my matters of principle
elastic as they might be
from a very young age

It never occured to me
that the way other people
played with the rules
could alter my dreams
shattering my destiny
as I imagined it
with only a sleight of hand

I needed to be crazy then
it would have been a comfort
as the lies pursued me
to allow myself that measure of luxury
did I dare pretend

I could shelter myself
in a small cottage
by the sea
enjoying the monotony of gulls
the contradiction of the waves

the gulls would be charmed
when I wore lipstick
and I would read to them
from a volume of e.e. cummings

I would pace the sand
like a soldier
until I forgot myself
opening my mouth
to taste the pungent air
you could travel to China
on the taste of that air

when we're younger
days stretch out limitless
daring us to squander time
and what is more thrilling,
electrifying, meaningful and potent
than our own personal dramas

this summer I've been trapped
in a regretful, anguishing, fabricated
dangerous drama
of someone else's imaging

I don't sleep and when I do
both my pillow and
my sweet Lilirosie's head are damp
from my tears
and my MS,
well I am high voltage
generating enough buzzing
that I could power a small town
in a black out

I still wish I could live my life as I dreamed it
but a long time ago
I  read something a bit more practical

Everything matters
Nothing matters very much

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