Tuesday, September 14, 2010

the escape artist

Having a chronic illness like MS means that you
and your MS are companions for life...
it isn't going anywhere soon...
so you need to find a way to coexist...

I looked up chronic in my Synonym Finder
and some of my favourite interchangeable words are;
settled, ingrained, persistent, constant, enduring
and if you would like to be a little fancier
there is always lingering, perpetual, never ending,
eternal, incessant and unmitigated...
It's amazing how many interesting ways
there are to say make yourself comfortable...
you might not like it
but it's a waste of time and energy if you don't...

That said, no matter how adjusted I think I am,
there are moments that surprise me.
Suddenly, I'm enveloped in a haze of free floating anxiety...
I'm edgy, or listless, unusually sleepy or weepy...
I feel as though I'm at the edge of place,
not knowing which direction to turn...
I can't express myself the way I would like to
and I feel like I'm reaching for memories or words
that should be there if only I knew how to grab them
and hold on tightly enough.

After all these years I should finally realize
that chronic illness often brings these
little spells of depression...
but of course, being only human,
I don't realize it until after it's set in for awhile...
and by then I'm in deep enough
that I need to work my way out...

Enter the escape artist...

Each day at dusk I study the sky
I measure the colours as they move
and change like my own personal kaleidoscope
I ponder the last intrusion of the clouds
and greedily anticipate the arrival of the moon
and the possibility of stars

The rhythm of the moon
stirs within me like feathers
and I am smitten

I wonder if I could ever paint the sky
that unfolds before me
it's a richly hued ancient tapestry
so old that it should crumble
Chinese lacquer blue, royal purple, sooty black
streaks of molten gold and whispers of silver...

...and into the sky
I escape...

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