Thursday, January 13, 2011

about last night

One of my nightly rituals
is to give myself my copaxone injection...
I have been able to do this
without David's help
for lots of years now...

When I first began taking copaxone
a nurse came to our house
and showed us how to mix it,
where and how to inject it,
how to properly dispose of it,
it was quite a production,
almost theatrical...

But I needed David's help...
My hands made it impossible
for me to combine the parts
and hold onto the syringe...

Giving myself the actual injection
seemed like a small thing
in comparison...

Although in the beginning,
David was the one that did it...
I don't remember exactly why now,
I would imagine sharing the moment
just made it easier...

Especially since this was not like a course of antibotics...
Copaxone was now a part of our daily life...

Eventually, copaxone came premixed...
At first David continued
to give me my nightly injections...
Then I went on a trip without him
and I had to do it myself...

When I got home
I declared my independence...
There were enough other MS moments
we could share...

So now, about last night...
There I was
getting ready for bed...

I casually ripped opened the copaxone...
Then I opened an alchohol swab
and dabbed it on my right buttock's cheek...
I took the syringe and pressed,
as usual,
and I didn't seem to have enough strength in my hands,
at that moment,
to continue to push it all the way in...

Tears didn't just well up,
they dribbled down my cheeks
as I stood there,
holding a needle in my tush!

David, of course, was already asleep!
I didn't want to call out...
I was worried that I would really alarm him...
He would think that I had taken a terrible fall...

Maybe, even though I was crying harder now,
I was also being a bit stubborn...?!

I am, though easy going,
quite stubborn...
But when you're pressing a needle
partially into yourself and
it's sort of standing there, not moving
you need to do something...

I tried to take a deep breath
but settled on a few smaller ones...
"OK, just pull it out
and let it go for tonight,"
I said to myself...

But like I said,
I'm stubborn...
and these shots
are like gold...

I could not rationalize wasting it...
I can't exactly explain what happened next...

My hand felt numb but it hurt...
The syringe went in where it had been lingering...
There was only a smidgen of blood
when I finally released the empty disposable needle
and pulled it out of me...
I dabbed it with another alchohol swab...

And that, was that...

Will it ever happen again?
Probably.
Am I going to worry about it?
No!

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