Wednesday, May 11, 2011

squeaking by

This is not the blog
I was planning to write...
This is the blog
I needed to write...
because I needed to write
something...

A few weeks ago
I began working on a blog
that I hoped would be
intriguing and fun...

I could visualize the words
sparkling on the page

Then like out of some dark fairy tale
the winds howled, growled
and lingered...

My head began to ache
and ache and ache...
My allergies flared...
free floating anxiexty settled on my shoulders
like a shawl....

I grew very very tired
wandering in and out of days
as if I were lost
in a maze...

Sometimes MS plays tricks with my cognitive abilities...
springing like a jack-in-the-box
to challenge me with ordinary little things...
one of them being
the task of putting my words together
just the way I like them...

I have all the words
that I need in my head...
I can even imagine them
neatly, precisely arranged
expressing just what I want...
but nothing happens
the way I'm seeing it...

My anxiety grows...
I become hesitant...
I curl into myself
like a snail
and retreat...

I don't get anything done...
because nothing seems to be the way
I want it to be...

So there I am...
tired, restless, anxious, headachy, nervous...
swirling. twisting, floundering...
unable to grasp onto anything
tangible or concrete...

These last few weeks
I've been wobbling on this slippery slope...
The wind relentlessly pounding
in my ears...

I'm carrying alot of baggage
at the moment...
some of it worn and tattered
some of it new
the damage still shining brightly
on the surface...

The winds will eventually fade
and blow elsewhere...

When I taught preschool
many years ago
I would say that,
the kids blew in with wind
in the morning
and they'll blow home
with the wind
in the afternoon...

It's all about understanding
the nature of wind...
like so many things,
it is what it is...

My free floating anxiety
will eventually
blow away too...
it always does...

Then I can go back to writing
that other blog
I was working on...

These last few weeks have been
one wild windy ride...
just not what I would call
thrilling...

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