Sunday, June 26, 2011

notes about the questions blog...

I'm having a mini meltdown about accidentally hitting the wrong button as I was attempting to save my writing...my hand jerked and spasmed and I of course, hit the publish post button instead of the save button...I was starting to get a headache and thought it would be a good idea to stop for the moment.
The harder I searched for a way to correct my mistake, the more my head began to throb and it still is but I'm too stubborn to let this go without an explanation...also, tomorrow we're taking Ethan to the desert to see his great grandparents and that is prority. Since I can't seem to do a thing about it I've decided that things happen for a reason and that I will just let the beginning of my questions blog stand as is...to be continued...
next weekend when we return and I'm settled...I'm not perfect, with or without MS..and I made a mistake...
Maybe that was a really good thing to happen in this particular space among friends who might make a similar mistake...and as always, everything matters, nothing matters very much...
sweet dreams...

questions

For as long as I can remember
a question has been resting
lightly behind my lips...

As a little girl.
I was an early talker
and everyone was either
charmed or fascinated
by the precocious mouthfuls of words
I casually tossed around...

And so when I began to fling
"why?" or "how?" or "who?" around
like a novice reporter
it was just as "precious"
for a while...

As you began to grow up a bit
the novelty becomes tedious...
but what do you do
with so many mouthfuls
of questions?

The real question, however,
is knowing when to ask
a question...
like most things in life
questions are about timing...

Monday, June 13, 2011

claiming my spot...

I suppose that like most people
I have always been searching
for my somewhere...

Still not feeling too terrific
or sleeping as much
as I should...
it's been a tad difficult
to focus on just what I wanted
to write about...

or much of anything
if truth be told...

And any energy that I can manage
as always,
goes to Ethan first...

So when I needed a little help
I reached for my own files
as I often do...

Among the memories,
faded and bright,
something will be a bit shinier
or even noiser
on the time worn pages...

Am I too old
to be searching once again...
wanting to redefine myself...

Or is it as my friend, Michael says,
"I'm going to die with potential..."

I've thought about this
during those long opaque hours
when I should be asleep
and again, when the light is clear
and transparent...

When all is said and done...
who would chose
to be left oozing with potential...

So my search,
my journey,
my quest continues...

I went the other morning
and got as Ethan says,
"sparkly toes"

"It's like a spell, Gramma,"
he assures me...
Maybe that spell
will make my toes tingle
in a different way...

this is the little helper I found in my files
that nudged me along this particular path...

                              Sonnet of Space One

The space of where I am and where I'm not
is space of there and space of not; it's space
of colour and space of rhyme, but where's my spot?
The space of where I am and where I'm not.

The lack of space of where I am is space
of where I'm not but space of where I wish
for space to be; it's space of none, it's space
of little space and space of little trace.

The sum of space of where I am and where
I'm not, is space of total space and space
of numbered rhyme; it's space of then and space
of there, the measured space of pregnant air.

The space of where I am and where I'm not
is space of space; and space has claimed my spot.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I needed to write about nothing...

I needed to write about nothing
because that is the only word
that describes flawlessly
how I feel...

My hope is that as I write this
I will begin a journey
to discovering something...

I suppose some might call this exercise Zen...
Maybe even me among them...

This is sort of the writing version
of what I do
when I collage...

I paint wash upon wash
of dazzling colour on fragile tissue paper...
abandoning myself freely
to the joy of colour...

Then when my papers are dry
I tear them up
with equal abandonment...
layering them back together harmoniously
with glue and whatever found elements
strike my fancy...

I've been so deeply immersed
in my state of nothingness...
that I barely noticed the extravagant
explosion of wild lavender jacaranda trees
surrounding me...

Any other year
I would have been anxiously
awaiting this once a year spectacle...

Anticipating not only the beauty
but the lovely, lazy days
that blooming jacaranda trees bring...

I've been so still...

Life is happening around me
like a dream...
my life feels suddenly so small...

This seems to be a moment to choose something...
so I'm claiming this space...
writing a few simple words to share...

Then going outside to sit on my own front porch
to enjoy the jacaranda trees
while they're still in bloom...