Thursday, October 13, 2011

if you're going to be buzzing...

When I woke up Monday morning
that long lean headache was lounging
at the foot of the bed...
daring me to get up
and start dancing...

Hadn't he had enough...
pulling me around the floor
til almost dawn...

Now another day would begin with extra meds...
Thanks for the dance, long and lean...

Sometimes my medication makes me very quiet...
Sometimes my medication makes me speak very very very fast...
in long loopy run on sentences...
the kind they warn you about in school...
the kind that no one can follow...

Sometimes MS makes my cognitive skills scramble...
And yes, getting older does it too!
but it's not quite the same...
and I can't exactly explain it...

The headaches and the migraine medication also
have a strange effect on my cognitive skills...
and it varies from headache to headache...

I've talked about my other skeleton...
those icy bones that seem to float away from my body...
after taking a migraine pill...

Often the same thing will happen
to my thoughts and words...
I'm trying to use them,
to speak them or write them...
and there they go...
floating off like bubbles
evaporating like mist...

Desperately, sometimes tearfully,
I try to catch them...
grab them, hold on as tightly as I can...
but it's an impossible task...
Either the headache
or the medication always wins...

As my day went by on Monday
I remembered that I had finally
written this blog the night before...

It had been looming there...
making me sad and wistful...
wishing for the simple joy
I get from putting words together,
for too long...

But I had done it...

I went to the computer to read it...
Trying not to be the critical writer
I decided to feel satisfied instead...

It's Thursday now...
I've had more headaches...
I've needed to take more meds...

And then there's all the usual MS stuff...
especially all that buzzing and humming
my body does to keep me entertained
and on my toes...

I do not take this lightly
but after all these years 
of buzzing and humming along everyday
you need a sense of humour
so for me it's playing with the words
I use to describe it...

So, it's Thursday...
and I realized when I woke up this morning
that I had been buzzing a bit more this week...

Not buzzing as usual...
but I have this buzz...

It came from
that simple joy and pleasure
I got Sunday night
when I grabbed a few words out of the air
as they floated by
and made them my own
in my own little space...
and actually pushed the publish post button
by choice...

You will just have to wait awhile for that dance,
long and lean...
I'm busy buzzing...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

the dance card

Since I was a little girl
who began wearing glasses
somewhere around age 7...
I have been a headache person...

When I was 17
and studying for a final exam
about the Russian novel, Dr Zhivago,
I was suddenly thrown into my very own
Russian Novel...

For three long intense days
I suffered with the migraine
of my life...

Until...

The friendly neighborhood doctor
around the corner suggested...
that it might be my appendix...

I have no recollection
of how that actually happened...
All I remember is that my head was ready to blast open...
and I had missed my Dr Zhivago final...

But I ended up with an an appendix
ready to burst...
and eventually, after surgery,
my headache was gone...

For the last three months or so
I have been living in a headache cycle...

From morning to afternoon
and on into the evening
I am waltzing in and out of the arms
of a variety of headaches,
some quite large...
and others, small but still annoying...

I can't recall my dance card
ever being so full...
though I know that it has...

I wish they would all disappear...
these disagreeable partners
that want to dance
and fill my head with frivolity
when all I want to do is get on with my day...

I find the long lean ones particularly displeasing...
they make it a habit to linger through the evening
and then there they are...
Waiting...the minute I open my eyes...
ready to start dancing again...

I don't like the ones with those short stubby fingers either...
they poke me right behind the eye
and they keep poking
until they have my undivided attention...
What kind of way is that to woo a girl
into dancing...

Eventually, this music will end...
and I will tear up this dance card...
I'm depending on it...

And I have an appointment
at my neurologist the end of the month...